November 10, 2006
Sadly, memories of a single performance in a single movie can only go so far (although Cuthbert was so impressive in The Girl Next Door that she put that to the test). She followed that up by appearing in House of Wax, but has done absolutely nothing since then aside from resuming her role as Kim Bauer on 24. Like many professional athletes who start slacking off the moment they sign a big long-term contract, Cuthbert began declining from the moment she overtook Alba for OFGoAG.com status.
I was in denial about it for a while, giving her the benefit of the doubt, but faith and memories can only go so far when you start looking like this in the rare instances when you're seen out in public. After all, being OFGoAG.com comes along with certain responsibilities and chief among them is actually, you know, looking attractive. I'm sad to say that the time has come to choose a new Official Fantasy Girl of AG.com.
I have two candidates in mind: Keeley Hazell and Jenna Fischer. On the surface these two women are very different, but at the end of the day I believe they both possess the qualities necessary to step into the incredibly large shoes left behind by Alba and Cuthbert, who each held the title for several years. Fischer offers the rare combination of beauty, brains, humor, the ability to blog, the same employer as me, and a brother-in-law whom I'm actually friends with, while Hazell basically just looks like this.
However, this is not a decision that should be made in haste and because of that I'm willing to solicit suggestions while I think things over.
A small note like that creates so many questions, but my biggest one is why Moss gets featured in a newspaper account of the "incident" while the supposed professional on the other end of the exchange is simply "one reporter." I suppose if my chosen business was in the midst of a long, steady decline, I'd probably want my colleagues to keep me anonymous too.
As a group of reporters huddled near Moss, waiting for Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter, Moss asked politely whether they wished to speak to him.
One reporter replied snidely that they were waiting for Walter, not Moss, then the two exchanged words for several minutes, with Moss using several profanities, then taunting the reporter as the group began asking Walter questions.
Within a 655-word column that's presumably about football, Souhan includes references to back acne, hedge funds, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scarlett Johansson, Pee-Wee Herman, Jesse Ventura, colonists, Manchester United soccer, shiny trinkets, Borat, the French's inability to win wars, Kenny Rogers, the Russian timekeeper from the 1972 Olympics, wardrobe malfunctions, global warming, asbestos-aloe gel, and getting drunk in Union Square. Seriously, I didn't make any of those up.
A 655-word column is already ridiculously short--I'm fairly certain I pump out 1,200 words during an average night's sleep--but if an editor at the newspaper were to remove the corny, forced, random, overwhelmingly unfunny pop-culture references from each of Souhan's pieces the Star Tribune would be left with columns that read: "The Vikings ... lost ... Sunday." As a wise man once said, "It's a great gig if you can get it."
My new goal, for the half-dozen of you who care, is to lose 100 pounds by the one-year anniversary of my weight-loss effort, which is January 11. To get there I need to drop about 15 pounds in nine weeks.
My coach in Baltimore used to get on me and say, "Douglas, good gracious you're stomach is big." I would say, "Coach, that's my power pack. When everybody else is running out of the game, that's what I look for. It hasn't failed me yet."
UPDATE: The Yankees traded Gary Sheffield to the Tigers Friday afternoon and ... well, read this.