November 10, 2006


  • In the five-year history of this blog, only two women have earned the title of Official Fantasy Girl of Jessica Alba was the first, for obvious reasons, and held the title for several years. However, after watching Elisha Cuthbert star in the otherwise-forgettable The Girl Next Door, I quickly bumped Alba down to the second spot and promoted Cuthbert to status. It was quite an honor for her, I'm sure, and she's had a long and successful run at the top. Until now.

    Sadly, memories of a single performance in a single movie can only go so far (although Cuthbert was so impressive in The Girl Next Door that she put that to the test). She followed that up by appearing in House of Wax, but has done absolutely nothing since then aside from resuming her role as Kim Bauer on 24. Like many professional athletes who start slacking off the moment they sign a big long-term contract, Cuthbert began declining from the moment she overtook Alba for status.

    I was in denial about it for a while, giving her the benefit of the doubt, but faith and memories can only go so far when you start looking like this in the rare instances when you're seen out in public. After all, being comes along with certain responsibilities and chief among them is actually, you know, looking attractive. I'm sad to say that the time has come to choose a new Official Fantasy Girl of

    I have two candidates in mind: Keeley Hazell and Jenna Fischer. On the surface these two women are very different, but at the end of the day I believe they both possess the qualities necessary to step into the incredibly large shoes left behind by Alba and Cuthbert, who each held the title for several years. Fischer offers the rare combination of beauty, brains, humor, the ability to blog, the same employer as me, and a brother-in-law whom I'm actually friends with, while Hazell basically just looks like this.

    However, this is not a decision that should be made in haste and because of that I'm willing to solicit suggestions while I think things over.

  • After hearing that the title was once again up for grabs, Britney Spears decided to make a late run. Much like a football team scoring a pair of garbage-time touchdowns to make the score a little more presentable, it's far too little and far too late.
  • If it were somehow possible to edit out the annoying presence of her boyfriend in these pictures while not ruining the overall theme, Alba would be dangerously close to reclaiming her title.
  • Incidentally, don't think that this stuff about me having crushes on women is a one-way street (it's actually more like a dead-end street, but humor me): I am, after all, someone's "first blog crush."
  • I'm not sure why, exactly, but this news made me very sad.
  • While this blog somehow approaches its sixth year of existence, Jeff Brohel of Metsquire wrote an excellent piece on his first year as a blogger. Brohel covers several interesting issues that present themselves once you start doing this every day, from money and readership to mainstream media and perks, and concludes with perhaps the most important lesson he learned: "Writers write." It's definitely worth a read.
  • Whether it's on a boat or a football field, Fred Smoot has an amazing ability to consistently get into someone's pants.
  • Here's a first: Someone actually likes the way this blog looks.
  • When the Timberwolves' season mercifully comes to an end in about six months, which will have been scarier? Their point guard's Halloween costume, their coach's ever-changing and too-often nonsensical rotation, or the team's final record? It's a trick question, of course, because the correct answer is: "Who cares."
  • Believe it or not, I sometimes feel bad for Randy Moss:

    As a group of reporters huddled near Moss, waiting for Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter, Moss asked politely whether they wished to speak to him.

    One reporter replied snidely that they were waiting for Walter, not Moss, then the two exchanged words for several minutes, with Moss using several profanities, then taunting the reporter as the group began asking Walter questions.

    A small note like that creates so many questions, but my biggest one is why Moss gets featured in a newspaper account of the "incident" while the supposed professional on the other end of the exchange is simply "one reporter." I suppose if my chosen business was in the midst of a long, steady decline, I'd probably want my colleagues to keep me anonymous too.

  • I've criticized Minneapolis Star Tribune columnist Jim Souhan often in this space, referring to him as "Shecky" because of his never-ending schticky one-liners and forced attempts at humor. I would have thought it impossible, but Souhan has taken his hackiness to a new level with his recent column about the Vikings. At this point I'm convinced that Souhan doesn't actually write columns, but rather begins with a thesis--for instance, "the Vikings played poorly"--and fills in the other 600 words via Madlibs.

    Within a 655-word column that's presumably about football, Souhan includes references to back acne, hedge funds, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scarlett Johansson, Pee-Wee Herman, Jesse Ventura, colonists, Manchester United soccer, shiny trinkets, Borat, the French's inability to win wars, Kenny Rogers, the Russian timekeeper from the 1972 Olympics, wardrobe malfunctions, global warming, asbestos-aloe gel, and getting drunk in Union Square. Seriously, I didn't make any of those up.

    A 655-word column is already ridiculously short--I'm fairly certain I pump out 1,200 words during an average night's sleep--but if an editor at the newspaper were to remove the corny, forced, random, overwhelmingly unfunny pop-culture references from each of Souhan's pieces the Star Tribune would be left with columns that read: "The Vikings ... lost ... Sunday." As a wise man once said, "It's a great gig if you can get it."

  • If I'd have stumbled across this quote from 49ers defensive end Marques Douglas about 85 pounds ago, I probably would have embraced it as my mantra:

    My coach in Baltimore used to get on me and say, "Douglas, good gracious you're stomach is big." I would say, "Coach, that's my power pack. When everybody else is running out of the game, that's what I look for. It hasn't failed me yet."

    My new goal, for the half-dozen of you who care, is to lose 100 pounds by the one-year anniversary of my weight-loss effort, which is January 11. To get there I need to drop about 15 pounds in nine weeks.

  • Last but not least, if you haven't yet read my entry from yesterday, please do so.
  • UPDATE: The Yankees traded Gary Sheffield to the Tigers Friday afternoon and ... well, read this.

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